Its weird before I had kids I never really thought about the gender of my kids I guess I just kinda assumed I’d have a boy and a girl. It never occurred to me that I’d only be a mumma to one gender and that that gender would be boys!
When I was pregnant with my first the gender didn’t really matter but I won’t lie. When I found out it was a boy I was momentarily disappointed. I think it was a mix between my mum saying she thought it was girl and the fact that I’d got it in my head that it was. Or maybe it was the idea that having a kid the same gender as myelf felt safer, like I would be more prepared for a girl than a boy.
The feeling didn’t entirely go away and I didn’t honestly believe it was boy until he was born. But as they say the moment he arrived it was overwhelming love at first sight and I have loved being his Mumma. He cracks me up everyday. I’m navigating my way through his construction obsession and love playing trains, cars and firemen with him. I love little boys fashion and spend way too much on chinos, boat shoes and gorgeous wooden jumpers for him.
When I found out I was pregnant with number two though I found conversation about what gender was really difficult. So many people commented that we must be hoping for a girl that I started to feel like I’d be a failure if my baby wasn’t. A good friend of mine with a boy the same age as me had just had her second and it was girl. I felt jealous that she had created the textbook family and wondered what my future held. At the 20 week scan they told us we were expecting a boy. the extended family were excited but there was definitely disappointment on a few faces that they weren’t going to be little girl outfits or seeing a mini me running around. I too felt upset. My good friend who’s second was a girl said something really profound to me though. She said” you have to mourn the one you don’t have“. She hadn’t found out the gender of the second until she was born, and even though she had hoped for a daughter she had slight gender disappointment at the birth. You see when she realised it was a girl she had to mourn the boy she thought she might have. She had envisaged a little boy as well, picked a name for him, and part of her was sad about not having him even though she absolutely loves her daughter.
I too had to take the time to mourn the daughter I wasn’t having. I also had to mourn the idea that this may be my last pregnancy and I may never have a daughter. I will always be the mother in law. I will always be outnumbered at home, and may not have a sidekick joining me shopping or getting our nails done.
Interestingly though I found as I entered the later part of my pregnancy I started to feel relief that I was expecting another boy. I loved being a mum to my first boy and having sons felt like familiar territory. The two of them will be best buddies, they will be able to enjoy the same toys and similar activities not to mention all money id save on boys clothes. Boys love their mumma’s and they are so affectionate. I just love all the cuddles and kisses and the way they’re teaching me to look at the world differently. I am at peace with having two boys, and just want you to know that even though you may be disappointed now I promise you it will change when you meet your baby. Don’t feel guilty about how your feeling take the time to mourn the one your not having, it doesn’t mean you love your baby any less.
Mumma Z xxx